“Are you scared of dying?”

Am I scared of living seems the more appropriate question. I can remember the last time I was happy but I can’t feel it. I know I was happy because I remember thinking I was happy but trying to place myself in the same situation – I feel nothing.

I used to think that I was here to do something. And by here I mean the presence of my conscious existence in this physical world of ours. That I should try to accomplish great deeds to somehow improve my life. What does that mean when you can’t remember your feelings though?

After I dispatched this paradigm, poking its dead body off the banks of the river and into the turbid waters of skepticism, I came to the conclusion that there is no reason that we exist, only the desires that come with our existence – namely the desire to be happy. I spent the last few years trying to maximize both my immediate happiness while ensuring I didn’t compromise the potential for future happiness. It seems like a nice idea – perpetually being happy. But it doesn’t work that way. Everything is relative. Happiness doesn’t exist without sadness and pain. It becomes a game, a futures market for happiness.

But this doesn’t make sense if you can’t remember your happiness. Our consciousness exists only in the past. You react to the present, contemplate the past and (try to at least) predict the future. Happiness lasts in that wispy moment before contemplation, as you experience it – but does it matter. It is a fleeting moment lost the second it is found.

We exist for no reason at all – not even to ‘maximize’ our happiness. And once you accept that, you realize:

No, I’m not scared of dying.